It's just the beginning
by Smiliface
Summary: My first Casualty fanfiction :) Mostly about Zoe and Max but might feature other characters... Chapter 3 is quite dramatic... trigger warning here! (But there's fluff, too!)
1. Chapter 1

"Zoe?" She couldn't answer, she couldn't turn around and see his gorgeous, goofy face and look into it with sore, tired, crying eyes. She just couldn't. She wasn't used to having someone… a man, care about her. Did he care? Had this thing become more than sex? From her point of view, she suspected it might do if only she could let down those barriers. Those barriers she'd had to build up from years of one-night stands, betrayal, hurt and knowing that she'd sleep with someone and never see them again. If she was honest, this whole thing scared her to the core. More than being a failing clinical lead. She'd been fine with that until Connie had come along and pointed out all her short-comings. But Clinical Lead. Pah, she could jack that in any time. Guy would be more than happy to accept her resignation.

But affairs of the heart are never that simple, you can't just give in your resignation and step away. Maybe it was that, the knowledge she'd gone too far, fallen in too deep to ever turn around that caused her to snap and throw that careful filing on the floor. The bloody filing that had meant she'd missed out on having time with HIM. Oh, it was all such a mess. To her, it felt like her life was someone's headphones that had been put in a pocket and become so tangled and twisted the strands were impossible to separate; who could possibly say what was frustrating her?

Big, soft hands attached to strong arms wrapping around her waist distracted her from the anger that was building up inside her and threatening to turn her into a sobbing mess. A gentle kiss was planted on top of her and although she tried half-heartedly to pull away from him – she didn't want sympathy, she just wanted someone, something on which to unleash her wrath – he was stronger than her, and although being as gentle as possible, pulled her back into him until she subsided and turned around to face him, well his chest as his head fitted perfectly on top of hers and her face, wet with falling tears was pushed firmly into his strong chest.

Through her tears she was able to feel his gentle hands massaging her, drawing circles on her back. She wasn't sure if she liked it or if she could cope with someone seeing her this broken. When she finally regained her composure, she realised he must have manoeuvred the both of them to the floor, his back leaning against the wall and her body wrapped so snugly around his she wasn't sure where she finished and he started. Looking up at his face, Zoe wasn't sure if she could remember seeing him like this. She was pretty sure she couldn't. She was so used to seeing his cheeky grin or charming smile that the pain on anguish on his face made him almost unrecognisable.

"Max, please…." She didn't need to feel the guilt for making him feel bad as well as everything else. Half expecting one of his cheesy line, she was surprised by the concern that flooded his eyes. "Zo. You're back" he whispered. Looking into her eyes for her permission, he began gently kissing and wiping the tears away.

Zoe heard a whisper in her ear; "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Zo" "What on Earth have you got to be sorry for?" "Oh, well if you didn't notice…" "Uh uh, you can't back out now, Mister" Zoe chimed, poking Max in the ribs "Nah, I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time over Arthur. You didn't need that, not on top of everything else. I should have been on your side and I wasn't really, and I'm sorry". A cheeky grin spread across Zoe's face "I'm sure you can make it up to me" she winked. Max's only answer was a kiss on the lips.

"I look a right mess" Zoe realised, taking out her pocket mirror. "I don't think I've ever seen you look more beautiful". Both of them were somewhat taken aback by Max's statement; he'd seen her in the throws of passion, he'd seen her dressed up and he'd seen her naked but he'd never seen her this vulnerable, and although it scared him, he was pleased that she was letting him share the moment with her.

"Shall we get you home, babe?" Zoe gratefully nodded. She was thankful for his concern, for coming back, even if he had rejected her offer of breakfast. She didn't mind that he didn't know what to say. There wasn't really anything she wanted to hear. His presence was enough.

A few hours later, Zoe and Max were snuggled together under his duvet. Words weren't needed and they were enjoying the feeling of their naked limbs wrapped around each other. "Max? Max?" Zoe repeated his name, realising he'd fallen asleep in the warm. "Hmm, what is it, babe?" "What are we? I mean, what is THIS?" Zoe questioned, gesturing downwards towards their entangled bodies. "Well… sex, did you, er, not do sex ed at school?" "Shut up!" Zoe giggled, covering her ears. She was glad Max had returned to his old self. "No, but seriously, I don't know, the thing is, I'm not sure I can let you go. I mean, this is different to all the one night stands, and believe me, I've had a lot". Zoe's arms tightened around him as he spoke; she was glad he felt able to be open with her. "I know… it's just, I'm a lot older than you, are you sure you don't" Max's mouth on hers stopped her talking and answered her question. "Are you sure you can put up with going out with a porter? Although may I just remind you, this is not just any old porter, but a particularly fetching and handsome one" said Max, winking and grinning. "Shut it, you". Zoe thwacked him in the stomach and they settled down to go to sleep together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - hope you enjoy!**

When Max woke up the next morning it took him a moment to register that Zoe was back in his bed. He could count on one hand, probably one finger the number of girls he'd slept with more than once, but none of them, not one, compared to Zo. She was beautiful, incredibly clever, caring, strong and weak in exactly the right way. If he was honest with himself, the notion that they were now in a 'relationship' scared him. He wasn't entirely sure what that meant. He could do the chasing bit, flirting; it came easier to him to do that than NOT do that, buying flowers, stealing her cigarettes… well, they weren't good for her anyway… but what do you do in a relationship? There was no way he could afford her, really. She earned a lot more than he did and also had much more expensive tastes than him… He soon realised his mind was wandering and took the opportunity to remind himself to concentrate on the present; on the beautiful lady sleeping like a baby in his arms. She looked so delicate, so unlike the controlled Zoe everyone else in Holby saw. He brushed a piece of satin black hair behind her ear, gently touching her cheek as he did so. He saw her eyelids flutter and a quiet whimper "Maaax" left her lips. Max found himself beaming, knowing that while his head was filled with only her, hers was filled with only him.

He pulled her closer to him and enjoyed the quietness. As much as he longed to wake her and enjoy the 'banter' they'd inevitably have, he knew she'd had a horrible few weeks and needed as much sleep as she could get.

Eventually, he felt her wriggle, a sure sign that she'd awoken. "Morning, babe" he spoke out. Through her closed eyes and with a groggy voice she replied with "Hmmm, good morning". She looked dangerously comfortable under the warm covers and worried that she'd go back to sleep and waste the day without him in dreamland, Max's hands slowly wondered beneath the covers and began tickling her sensitive middle. Zoe's protestations just increased the fun and soon they were both laughing and rolling around on the bed. "Hey, hey" argued Max as, in one swift movement, he grabbed her hands and held them above her head on the pillows and covered her with his body. As he looked down into her eyes, he felt overwhelmed with a need to protect her; a thought that he'd never had before. His instinct was normally a need to sleep with these women and then avoid them and their boyfriends. His mind briefly went back to the Spanish lady called… Petra? Pilla? Carmen. He was pretty sure that was it. How he'd been an idiot and pretended to be Cal. Showed how much hope he held out for HER! How could he have thought her hot compared to the woman gazing up at him with a look of admiration and desire?! "Oi, Max, you forgotten me down here?!" Her voice was joking but also slightly concerned as if worried that he'd remembered a wife and kid he needed to get back to or something. She quickly banished those memories from her mind – lies were a thing of the past.

"No, no, I could never forget you" He reassured her with a strong, passionate kiss. Still pinning her down, he continued with "What d'ya wanna do today? I was thinking… ice cream in the park? Take a trip to the beach? We could hang here, but Robyn's around, so…" A mischievous grin appeared on Zoe's face as she said "You're so innocent, you know that? Or have I just worn you out already? I mean, I know I'm a decade older than you, so I would'a thought you'd be able to keep up, but if you can't, just let me know…" Zoe felt a glorious laugh reverberate through Max's body and it filled her with happiness that she could make him laugh. She'd loved Nick, she really had, but her relationship had always felt so 'formal'; she rarely saw him without his suit and tie and… she didn't know, really. Max just had an overwhelmingly relaxing effect on her; when he was around, there were no problems, she wasn't an inefficient clinical lead, she was just Zo. With her Beau.

That evening, they did make it out to the sea front. It was just a short drive away and they decided to take full advantage of the cooling sun and the late evenings. As they sat on the sand, Max sitting straight up, Zoe sitting between his outstretched legs with her back resting against the solid wall of his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around her middle, there wasn't a lot of need for conversation. They'd had a typical day of laughter and 'arguing', and it was lovely to just sit with each other and watch the boats go past. "Max?" "Yeah?" Max answered, simultaneously kissing her neck. "I've never done this before. Thank you" "You're absolutely welcome" Max replied, both aware that he'd used the words he'd used that enjoyable day when she'd 'helped' him be a porter.

"So, come on", Max prodded, "Tell me about your boyfriends" "What? All of them?" Zoe questioned "I don't think there's enough time in the world, Max" Max chuckled, a beautiful sound. "Just tell me what you want to" he encouraged. Zoe picked up one of his hands from around her waist and began fiddling with his fingers "Well, I guess the only relationship I've had is Nick. I still miss him sometimes, but people move on" She moved further back into Max to show that Nick wasn't gradually retaking his place in her life "I'm glad he's not here anymore. I wasn't at first. Took me ages to get used to it. I think that's why I wanted to take on Clinical Lead. Wanted to show that I could survive without him, that I could make him proud" Max could hear her voice was breaking and kissed her temple to show he was still listening "Zo, just tell me what you want to, no pressure". She continued "He was my only true relationship, oh, I've had sex and lots of it" "I can tell" interjected Max and Zoe reprimanded him with a swift poke "But never really love. I did love Nick, I did, but I also loved his money and his power. See, it's different with you cos you have neither" She finished, sticking her tongue out at him. Max rolled his eyes in his own adorable way. "Come on, then, Casonova, what about you?" She asked. "Hmm, maybe tomorrow" he replied as he twisted her round and claimed her mouth with his. "By the way", Max continued, "You make me proud. Every second"

**Thanks for reading :) Hope that was OK. Thank you so much for reviews - really appreciated! Still not sure where this is going, haha, but please keep reading! **


	3. Chapter 3 - Trigger Warning!

Zoe had never imagined herself doing, or had particularly enjoyed, doing housework, but as she washed up the plates and the glasses from the breakfast in bed Max had made them both, her heart sang for joy at the notion that she had someone to look after and they were there to look after her in ways she couldn't imagine. She'd never had anyone she felt more comfortable with; no-one she could so casually confide in.

***Trigger Warning***

**Hi guys, quite a dramatic update here... took me a long time to write this and I'm still not sure about it, I hope you enjoy it, but sorry if you don't. I've tried to balance drama and cuteness. Reviews here would be much appreciated! **

Things weren't great at the hospital; she dreaded starting her shift in… 45 minutes. She knew there was a huge pile of paperwork on her desk that wouldn't go away, and an ever-mounting list of problems and complaints. She sighed and buried her head in her hands to regain her composure. "Hey" Max spoke softly from the doorway "are you worried about the hospital again?" Zoe nodded in reply and she looked so desolate and scared that Max went to her and collected her in his arms. Normally she felt smaller than him but strong, determined. Today he was afraid he'd break her if he squeezed too hard in the wrong places. He kissed her head, reminding her that he was with her every step of the way. Whatever that way was.

"What a wonderful day it's been", Zoe thought, smiling to herself as she looked down at Max's head lying on her lap and ran her fingers through his hair. It had been hectic at work – she'd barely seen Max all day, but they'd more than made up for it since arriving back at her apartment. She was glad he was in her life, and such a big part. It scared her, but it made her feel happy. Overjoyed, even. She'd never sought comfort in relationships, never seen them as the answer to all her problems. Yet here he was, making her life even more manic and confusing, yet so simple at the same time.

While she was enjoying the quiet of the apartment, broken only by Max's gentle breathing, there was a knock at the door. Zoe wasn't expecting anyone and the knock was loud and violent. She'd always trusted her instincts, and right now, her instincts told her not to answer the door.

"Max?" she whispered, and then repeated a little louder. Since he'd been sleeping she'd missed his lopsided grin and stupid comments. "Max!" She hit him gently and saw his head lift in confusion "huh?" he asked. "There's someone at the door, I don't want to go" she told him. It was strange for Max to see Zoe so scared- he couldn't remember seeing her scared. It caused him to feel a bit nervous, as well. He didn't know what to expect, but still groggy from sleeping, he dragged his feet over to the door. Still on the sofa, Zoe missed her contact with Max and despite herself, went to see what was happening.

Standing at the door she saw Mr Reynolds – a man whose 6 year old son she had treated when he was involved and badly injured in a car accident and who had sadly died. Mr Reynolds had not taken the news well and Zoe was not comforted by seeing him standing at the door to her apartment. She didn't know how he'd found out her address. "You need to leave. Now" She told him firmly, stepping towards him on her bare feet. She felt lost, less powerful without her heels that she'd kicked off earlier. "And why is that?" he retorted. "Uh, this is my _house_. You can't be here. If you have a complaint I'd love to listen to it. Tomorrow. At the hospital. OK? Good bye"

The man made no move to leave and as Max began shutting the door, he barged past into the large open plan living room. Max stood in his way, blocking his path to Zoe. He heard a voice behind him. "Look, I'm sorry about Tommy, I really am. No parent should have to go through losing a child, but I'm afraid there really is nothing I can do and this isn't helping anyone." Max silently willed Zoe to stay quiet. She was right, of course she was, but he didn't want her to make this worse for any of them and he had no idea what this man wanted to, or was going to do. "Please, Zo…" he begged her. She flashed him an apologetic smile.

"Have you ever lost a child, do you have any idea, ANY IDEA what it's like?" The man fired at her. "Right, O-OK, that's enough" Max told him, gently stepping forward and forcing him towards the door. He glanced nervously back at Zoe, trying to show that it was all going to be OK and he wouldn't let this virtual stranger hurt her.

"aaaaggghhh" he cried out in pain as the man punched him in the stomach, leaving him a crumpled heap on the floor. The unexpected attack made Zoe want to run and hide in the bedroom, but she couldn't leave Max, not with him. "Max? Are you alright? Max?" "Yeah, yeah", he gasped and made a move to stand up and put himself back between the man and Zoe; the gap between the two ever diminishing. He couldn't do it; his legs gave way under the pain and he was forced back to the floor. He didn't care about the pain, whatever had happened to him, he just wanted to protect Zoe; what use to her was he if he couldn't even do that?

When he came round, he was still lying on the hard laminate flooring; he could only just remember what Happened. He must have passed out. "Zoe?" He looked around the room for her. He noticed the front door was wide open and his heart pounded, expecting the worst. How could he have let this happen? What had he let happen? This time he didn't let the agony in his stomach stop him and he slammed the door shut, before rushing through the apartment looking for his beloved.

He was alerted to her presence by small sobs coming from the bathroom. His heart leapt almost through his chest as he looked in and saw his beautiful Zoe collapsed against the side of the bath. She had no clothing below her waist and her shirt was ripped. "Baby… baby" he said as he saw her. As he got nearer he began to notice the bruises covering her body; her legs and her arms. "No. Please.. No" he spoke out. He must have got it wrong. This couldn't have happened. Not while he was there. Not to Zoe. These things didn't happen to _real_ people. Just people far, far away in TV land.

He didn't know what the time was, but a short while ago they'd been sitting down in un-wedded bliss and now he was faced with this. He didn't have a clue what to do. And he couldn't deal with this by joking and being a cheeky chappy. "It's time to grow up, Max". He thought to himself. He went to sit down next to Zoe, but she cowered away from him. He'd never seen her so small and weak.

"I love you" He whispered to her. They must have been sitting there for at least an hour. In virtual silence. Occasionally Zoe's sobs or Max's loving whispers broke the air, but neither really knew what to say. Max longed to get her some pyjama trousers to protect her modesty (he hoped she had some- she'd never had cause to wear them around him before), but he didn't feel the time was right to leave her.

"Zo, shall we have a bath?" He gently whispered into her ear. She nodded hesitantly in response. She didn't really want to be touched by Max but she did know she could trust him and she definitely needed a bath. To wash the fear off, to get clean, to take a tiny step towards moving on. Max moved from his position and ran some warm water into the tub. "C'mon then", he said eventually, holding her hand to help her up and helping to remove what was left of her shirt. Her hand movements told him she didn't want to take her bra off and he certainly wasn't going to push her to do anything like that. He wasn't sure what to do about his clothes, should he take those off too? He thought maybe a good compromise would be to remove all but his boxers, which he did, and helped Zoe into the bath. He sat behind her and allowed her to position herself between his legs. It filled him with dread to see the amount of blood that turned the water red; it churned his stomach. He gingerly put an arm around her stomach, hoping that she'd show him if she was comfortable and she did, by eagerly grabbing his hand and holding it tightly in hers. "shhh" He whispered to her, holding him to her. As the sobs started again, Max picked up a cloth and began very gently cleaning the wounds and bruises. He placed kisses over each one, letting her know just how much he cared.

Eventually the water grew cold, and Max moved them both to the bed, being careful to dry every inch of his gorgeous woman that she'd let him. He'd never known her so quiet, so placid, so still. One action had completely changed her. And his love for her. She may have become weaker, but his love for her was so much stronger, so much more mature and so much more complete.

He had found her pyjamas and gently dressed her in them. She clung on to him, and that gave him a small amount of pleasure. He loved independent Zoe, but he was glad that she hadn't become afraid or suspicious of him. This was hard enough to deal with anyway. He wasn't sure if he could deal with her shutting him out, too.

As they lay on the bed, as close as they could get, Zoe curled into him, a baby. As precious and as delicate. They both knew they weren't going to get a lot of sleep, but they had to try, had to get strength to get through tomorrow.

**You got through it! :-) Was it OK? **


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm back... couldn't wait to find out how they cope the next day :) Bit happier this time! **

As the sun came up the next morning, nothing really changed in the bedroom. Max was still holding a crippled Zoe. His left side had gone numb from lack of movement but he didn't care. Zoe's eyes were still open. Her body still tense. Max wasn't expecting her to move and was surprised by her sudden reaction to the sharp beeping of the alarm clock.

She jumped out of bed, wearily running her hands over her face and shaking her head as if that were all it would take to dispel everything. Despite Max's protestations, she continued to get ready for the day. She squeezed herself into a dress and picked up her heels from where they'd been left near the sofa the night before. She slammed some bread into the toaster and stared intently until it popped up.

"Zoe." She'd never heard Max speak so firmly before. "Yeah? Max, why aren't you ready? We've got to be at work in… half an hour". She sounded like normal, controlled, organised Zoe. Had he dreamt what had happened? Had it all been a horrific nightmare? Part of him dared to hope, but he couldn't allow himself to live in the imaginary world. What to do, though, he did not know.

"You're not going to work today" he told her. He doubted she'd listen to him, but he had to try. "Max. Something happened. I reacted badly, it's over now, I have an ED to run, people to save, you know, paper work to do. I can't sit around….moping all day. I appreciate your concern, but let's move on, get cracking with the new day".

He couldn't win this argument. He'd just have to follow her in and be there for her when she inevitably collapsed.

This was the Zoe he'd fallen in love with. The unflappable doctor. Throughout the day he'd heard her in cubicles, diagnosing and treating stomach pains, cuts to people's legs and other limbs. He'd watched her click through the department in her high heels (which, he noticed, really did maximise her assets). He'd given her nervous glances and sympathetic smiles, which she'd replied to with busy smiles; confirmations that she was doing OK. He could see the tiredness through her make-up. He doubted anyone else could. He noticed her wince when Noel gave her a friendly punch to the arm. But this was Zoe, eager to work, eager to please, eager to look after everyone else. Everyone else but not herself.

He'd be glad when the shift was over, he couldn't wait to get back and hold her, be there for her and look after her. "Are you… nearly ready to go?" He poked his head round her office door and questioned. "Um, define 'nearly'", she replied with a cheeky smile. Seeing her brought a big smile to Max's face. He couldn't believe how lucky he'd got. How was this beautiful, successful doctor interested in him?! "Well, you answered my question right there". He told her as he came in and plonked himself down in Connie's chair. "You're lucky she's not here to see you do _that_!" Zoe told him. Max was going to wait for Zoe and if that meant watching her do her admin then that's what he would do, he thought to himself as he amused himself by playing with the desk lamp. Zoe could tell from his fiddling that he was distracted, that he wasn't his usual happy-chappy self. But she wasn't going to laze around and be miserable just because that was what was expected of her. No. She wasn't ill and she wasn't going to let this _thing_ hold her back.

"Come on, then, mister" she told Max as she picked up her bag. He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed her shut down the computer, tidy her desk and slip her coat back on. He smiled at her as she held her hand out to him.

How had she snapped out of this so fast? She was a completely different person to the figure he'd held all night. He was impressed, angry and concerned at the same time. He knew, though, that he couldn't change her and he just had to wait. This was a journey and they'd face every step together.

As they walked through the door to her apartment, Zoe suddenly stopped. "You OK?" Max asked, rubbing her back. "Yep, yep. Sorry, fine. Just had a... moment. Now, come on, shall we go and watch some rubbish on TV?" Max followed her through and sat next to his beautiful lady on the sofa. She leaned back into him and rested her head on his shoulder. It was nice, he realised, to have a little bit of normality back in their lives. Max relaxed against the sofa, still holding Zoe and kissed the top of her head. "Love ya, baby" he whispered into the darkness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delay in updating and for how short this is... I hope you enjoy!**

He loved her. He loved her so much he didn't know what he'd do without her, and not just in a lustful, sexual way. He loved her with a love so deep that he didn't know how to express it; the desire to take her in his arms and hold her until any pain or sadness snaked its way out of her body and left them blissfully happy.

He thought about that as he watched her sleep. Grey clouds made the room dark and miserable, but her toned skin shone like a light that couldn't be extinguished. She was the light of his world, literally and metaphorically. Together, they could face anything. However scary it seemed. She squirmed in his arms as it became closer to 'waking up time'. She pushed herself into his chest, burrowing her way to safety.

He'd convinced her to take some time off. He'd wrangled some as well. There was no rush, they could spend all day in bed if that was what she wanted. Max was just glad that she'd finally got some sleep, finally got to escape the cruelty and darkness of the world for a few short hours.

She woke up and smiled, briefly forgetting her torment. She was reminded of it, however, from the sharp pain from between her legs. She tried to conceal it, tried to spare Max the pain of seeing her hurting, but he saw it and kissed her gently, trying and slightly succeeding, to rid her of it.

They stayed cuddled up in the silence, listening to the rain beating down on the roof of the apartment for what seemed like eternity. Zoe was glad that when she finally got up and made her way over to the window, the rain had drastically reduced the number of people outside. The streets were bare; Max had become the one person in her world. And he was the only person she needed.

She couldn't face going out. Not today. She had to keep living, keep pressing forward, but maybe not today. Her body felt cold and lonely without Max and dressed in his red T-shirt, she went round the apartment looking for him. She found him in the kitchen, trying to make a salad.

The mess and chaos that surrounded him, even doing such a simple task made her smile "What's all this mess?" She asked him cheekily "Well, you know, all the best chefs…" he trailed off, unable to think of a suitable excuse. But it didn't matter, she collapsed into his strong arms and let his embrace secure her, build her up and make her feel loved.

"Zo… Do you think you should tell someone, about, well, you know…" He wasn't sure if this was a good thing to suggest. In fact, he was fairly sure it wasn't. But he was determined to look after her and do the right thing and if that meant putting himself in the firing line, then so be it.

"What? The police?" He nodded silently, concerned at the disgusted expression she had on her face. "And what are they going to do? Take this away?" There were tears forming in her eyes and Max kissed the top of her head, reminding her that he was there to support her, not push her. "No, of course not. But you know who did it. If the police know, they can catch him, stop him doing this to someone else" She shook her head silently. "Maybe another time, not now. Not now." She told him. He nodded his head in acknowledgment. He knew that the next few days were important for her to get over what had happened and baby steps were the way forward.

He took her hand as he led her over to the table and placed a plate of slightly random salad in front of her. She picked at a few of the leaves, politely thanked him for making an effort, but wasn't generally hungry. He watched and sighed as she walked away into the bedroom.

**I hope you enjoyed it :) Thanks for all your lovely reviews. I'll try to update soon. **


	6. Chapter 6

"I feel like… I don't even know what I feel like. That's daft, isn't it?" Zoe let a small smile tease her lips. She avoided the gaze of the thin lady opposite her, her long chestnut hair almost blending in with the orange fabric of the squishy chair, and the large green beads of her necklace clashing with it.

"It takes time to come to terms with…." Arrabella searched for the words. "Rape". Zoe was aware of how the word cut across Arrabella's soft voice, but she didn't care. She was sick of not being able to say it. Sick of Max avoiding it in case he made it worse. Pff, how could he? How could anyone do anything that would make this better or worse? "I meant how you feel. Everyone experiences different effects. What you've been through is very traumatic and healing can take a long time. Sometimes years. And that's OK".

"Oh, will you stop patronising me? I know this is very traumatic. I'm going through it, remember?!" She stormed out of the brightly coloured room, missing Arrabella's look of indignation and sympathy. She wanted Max. He was the only person she could talk to. He was by no means perfect, but he'd been there every minute of the last few months. He'd held her hand, rubbed her back, cooked her food. She just needed to see him.

It took her a while, but she found him 'on a break' eating chocolate and drinking coffee in the staff room. He looked up as she came in. "OK?" He mouthed to her. She nodded her head, trying to hold back the tears that were bursting from her eyes. "Heeey" he whispered to her "I'm going to my office, come when you can". He knew he couldn't touch her here, but longed to be in private, somewhere he could comfort her.

10 minutes later, she'd managed to get away and join him.

"So, how was your first counselling session?" She shook her head and reached for his hand. There was so much strength in those fingers. She felt like she could take on the world when she held them. "Oh Max, it was awful. She was awful. I was awful. I was so rude. I stormed out in the end. 'Xpect I'll get a note about that tomorrow. The perks of working in the same building" She tried to make a joke, but it fell flat. She felt herself being pulled towards Max. She didn't resist. She let herself be pulled onto his lap, her face buried in his neck as his arms wound their way around her torso, his face buried in her shoulder. Neither spoke, the only sound Zoe's sobs and Max's gentle rubbing of her back as he rocked her like a baby. His heart ached for her. How he longed to take it all away.

"Zo. Zoe". He wasn't sure if she'd fallen asleep. "Mmm"; a faint response. "We're gonna go away. Just me and you. Some time to ourselves, away from this place" "yeah, where are we going to go?" She asked quietly, more out of a distraction than believing what he was saying. "We're gonna go anywhere you want. But it's got to be hot and sunny. We're going to go down to the beach and look out across the sea… watch the boats. Boats are so relaxing to watch" he mused. "And I'm going to take you to the best restaurants, give you what you deserve. Actual food, cooked by people who can cook." Zoe laughed. "You're really selling this to me, you know". "I know. And we will stay in a five star hotel with a big, comfy bed, and at night, we're going to sit outside on the balcony and we're going to look up at the stars and make a wish. And then we're going to get into the big, soft bed, and I'll hold you, and all of this will just float away. I promise".

His voice had faded into a whisper as he'd got carried away imaging the scene. He squeezed Zoe close to him and she looked at him; a tear-wet face with mascara everywhere, but still she looked beautiful. She raised her lips to his. Not kissing him, exactly, but a moment of pure intimacy, where everything felt like it would be OK. They'd get through it.


	7. Chapter 7

Guys, I am SO sorry for the ridiculously long time it's taken for me to update... sorry! I hope you enjoy this installment and I really will try not to leave it so long before the next time :)

Morning came, as it always did. Zoe awoke, as she always did. Max was still holding her, as, these days, he always was. She took a moment to look at his face, slightly illuminated in the faint sunlight peeping through the gaps in the blinds. She didn't want to wake up, she didn't want to enter into a reality that caused nothing but pain for her and for him. She wanted to be the strong doctor, whose power and knowledge was as ever-present and as famous as her elegant high heels.

As Max (and everyone else) kept telling her, she needed 'time' whatever that was. Surely her time was exactly the same as everyone else's? Slipping through her fingers at a ridiculous pace, and surely, surely, moping would do nothing but stop her from using her decreasing time to do what she does best and save people…. Give them the lives that they deserve?

She felt a kiss on the side of her head as she drifted in and out of a light doze. "What is it, baby?" She heard a whisper in her ear, and despite herself, a smile pulled at her lips. She was so lucky to have a man who cared, loved her so much. She slapped the body next to her.  
"Who are you calling baby?

"My beautiful, beautiful, grown-up woman who right now needs me to look after her, even though she won't admit it?" Max tried, and was taken aback by Zoe's eyes filling with tears and looking into his with such sincerity and sadness that he felt his heart melt with love, but break with sadness simultaneously. All he could do was pull her tighter to him, relieved that she was able to trust him enough to have contact with him.

"Max… I'm sorry". Her words seemed so inadequate, so pathetic, but it was all she had. He smiled sadly at her. "What can you possibly be sorry for?" confusion overtook him.

"This…" gesturing down her body and between them "can't be much fun for you. No sex, no laughing, I can't go out. Not really. Except to work. No-one can come round. You should leave, I don't know what you're doing with me. I'm…" He didn't hear the last of her words as she collapsed into heavy, body wracking sobs. In a small way, he was glad. Not glad, of course, that she was crying, but glad that some of the pain was coming out. He stroked her back, her hair again, again until eventually, the sobs stopped and her tired, exhausted body lay in his arms.

He was thinking of that holiday, where would they go? France, maybe, Spain or Italy. Yeah, the canals… the peace of the water and the boats floating about. He resolved to book the tickets as soon as possible. He felt Zoe's head nudge his chest, and he smiled, knowing that she'd fallen asleep and was searching for safety in her slumber.

"Can you come to counselling with me?" He was surprised at her request, but of course, of course. Whatever she wanted.

They stayed cuddled up for as long as possible. Eventually, Max went to the bathroom and returned with a bowl of warm water and a sponge. Zoe smiled at him meekly when she saw him. "I can do it. I will do it." She told him, assertively, reaching out to grab the sponge from his hand. "I know you can" He smiled at her. "I never doubted you. But let me look after you. Let me fulfil my manly duties" He winked at her. "Oh, go on, then". He smiled at her resignation and kissed the side of her mouth.

Do you want to pull down your bottoms, or shall I?" His eyes widened as removed her pyjama trousers – the swelling around her groin was going down, but it still looked horribly painful and it broke his heart to see his beautiful Zo with such damage to her otherwise flawless skin. He advised her not to look, he knew just how much it would hurt her emotionally, and instead, bent his head and kissed the bruised area with such tenderness that Zoe reached out a hand which he gratefully took tightly and squeezed while he gently cleaned the affected area, dipping his head every so often to kiss and tend to the pain, reassuring her that she was the most important thing to him.

Arrabella. "Hi" Max reached out a hand to the counsellor who sat opposite them.

"So, how have things been?" Arrabella looked pointedly to Zoe. "Yeah, good. Brilliant." Zoe forced a smile and Max reached to her, putting a hand on her knee, which she removed with her hand, instead leaning forward, pushing her elbows into her knees, desperate to feel anything that wasn't emotional pain.

Arrabella looked between the two of them. "How have you been finding things, Max?" She questioned. Max didn't answer, just looked around the room, sadness once again filling his heart. All he wanted was his Zoe back. Not this shell, but the Zoe that he'd had before he let this man ruin her. He reached out to her, desperate, desperate to have something to hold onto. As much as she wanted to remain strong and independent, she couldn't. She could kid herself she was doing it for him, but in truth, she needed him as much as he needed her.

She rose from the worn fabric of her blue chair and took the few steps over to his chair. He wasn't sure what she was doing, but instinctively, he held out her arms to her, like a father to a child. He held her as she crumpled into his lap, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck, face buried in the red fabric of his top. Arrabella remained silent, allowing them their moment, avoiding looking as Max placed kisses on top of Zoe's head, the three of them silently praying and wishing for a release from the pain.

Thank you for sticking with it and reading!


	8. Chapter 8

A few days later and Max and Zoe had arrived in Venice. They were sitting in the hotel room. A beautiful, spacious, white room with a huge clean bed that had the most pillows either of them had ever seen in one place.

"Come on, you". Max smiled down at the gently sleeping Zoe as she stroked her hair, seeing her shake her head in determination to sleep. "You go if you want to" She reasoned. "I'm not leaving you. Not for a second… You'll have to come to the toilet with me" He was met with a slap from a very soft cushion and a head placing itself on his lap.

"Zoe…" He manoeuvred himself so he was lying down, face to face with her. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, but he needed to say something. Something had to change, and right now, he was the only one she'd let close enough to have any chance at helping.

"You're beautiful" he kissed each of her closed eyelids, and was met with a "hhmm" in response. "Look at me, co-ome on, I'm not that ugly" He joked and she did open her eyes to look into his, at the same time as shuffling closer and wrapping a hand around his middle.

"Tell me what's going up there?" He pointed to her head and the brief silence alarmed him.

"You know what, Max, maybe you're right, maybe we should go for a walk" She spoke hastily, immediately getting up and looking through her suitcase trying to find something to wear. It was nice, she thought, it was nice not to 'have' to wear tight dresses and smart high heels to work and wear comfy, casual things.

"How does this look?" She looked towards Max, now reclining against the headboard, studying her intently. "Beautiful, always beautiful" He told her. "I look fat, I look dirty, I look…" She didn't know what to say anymore, she tugged at her hair, exasperated. Max frowned. "No, you don't." He moved towards her, standing behind and wrapping his arms around her waist, kissing her neck.

"Come, let's go" He encouraged her, gently pulling her arm, distracting her from the mirror, patting his pocket to make sure he had the key to their hotel room and slowly moving towards the door.

Downstairs, the sun shone brightly, bouncing off the river at the bottom of their hotel's street. Max and Zoe glared into their sunglasses, Zoe's hand safely encased in Max's. They made their way toward the river. Neither of them could remember its name, but neither of them cared. This trip wasn't really about names of rivers; they could look those up later. This trip was about Zoe's healing and happiness.

They sat on a bench looking out onto the river. People passed them, mostly talking in Italian. Zoe liked that; she liked the fact that she couldn't communicate with them; no-one was going to ask her more difficult questions than what she wanted to eat, and it gave her conversations with Max a certain privacy – no-one could understand their conversations. Not that they'd really had any. Max had tried, of course he had, but it was like talking to a dog – he wasn't sure if she understood all the time and he certainly wasn't getting any in-depth answers.

Zoe looked up at him, her eyes meeting his and a smile appearing on her face. It was a small smile, but a smile none-the-less, and it made Max's heart skip a beat. "You know…. You know I love you, don't you?" Zoe asked him. He wasn't sure if she'd said that before, but weirdly, these last few weeks had shown him that more than ever before – they hadn't had sex for ages, but she'd stuck with him, let him comfort her and let him in, what more could she do to show she loved him? In response, he lowered his forehead to hers, silently asking for permission to kiss her. She answered his plea by moving the bottom of her face up to his, gently touching her lips to his.

She was beginning to feel better. With Max by her side, each day was starting to feel more bearable than the last.

Max had dragged Zoe to a restaurant nearby. It was beautiful, they sat by the window and watched the boats bob along the canal outside. The sinking sun was glistening on the water, its coloured reflected in the gently undulating blue.

"So… what do you want to do tomorrow?" Max questioned. He was keen to look around Venice; to see some of the sights and to make the most of their time there.

"Ohh, I don't know. Is there anything interesting round here?" Zoe asked; she'd neglected to look at the guide book, and her memory was failing her.

"Well. There's a Palace. St Peter's Basilica?" Max tried. "Mark. St Mark's Basilica" he corrected himself, his trademark grin sneaking onto his face.

Zoe thought for a moment. She was glad that this moment was making her life more normal, that things were becoming more steady. She smiled at him. The first true smile that she could remember, and as he looked into her eyes, surprise at her sudden positivity showing, they realised that things would be OK. One way or another.

**I hope this story is alright. Is it dragging too much? So sorry for the slow updates… please review if you're reading this and let me know how you're finding it? Thank you ****J**


	9. Chapter 9

**Enjoy...**

Their break was coming to an end; it was nearly time to return home to the mundane-ness of England.

The thought of going back to all those people, to have responsibility again, to having to separate herself from Max terrified Zoe. She'd not slept well, despite being encased in Max's embrace, she'd woken three times in the night. Each time, Max had held her close, whispering happy thoughts in her ear and kissing her hair gently until she drifted back to oblivion.

When Max woke at 7.20 in the morning, the first thing he felt was a sleeping Zoe; her body tense and her breathing laboured. He stared down at her for a while, just thinking, willing her to talk to him. Really talk to him. After all, she wasn't likely to talk to anyone else, was she?

Eventually, Zoe began to wake, smiling slightly before her eyes opened. Max silently asked and received her permission and touched his lips to hers, just a gentle touch that meant everything.

"Morning" He whispered, staring into her big brown eyes. She nodded back at him; sorrow and pain still evident in her face, but maybe, just maybe, a little less than yesterday.

She was still in her clothes from the night before. She didn't like getting undressed. It was nothing to do with Max, she'd told him. Her skin just didn't feel comfy. It was easier to hide in a jumper of Max's and her trousers than to be naked, to expose herself.

"Come on, I think we should get you in the bath today?" Max tried, gently. She couldn't go forever just washing occasionally with a towel… Plus, it was very hot in Venice!

"No!" She started and looked up at him. She already knew she probably wouldn't win the 'fight', but she felt too tired to have a bath, too tired to go through the motions of undressing.

"Come…" Max had walked round the bed to her side and was kneeling in front of her, holding and gently kissing her hand. "Do you want to go by yourself, would that make it easier?" He asked. He was so gentle, so kind, so patient. Zoe's heart swelled. It was times like this that she remembered how lucky she was. She shook her head, she wanted… needed him there.

She crawled out of the bed, the clothes stuck to her as he made her way over to the en-suite bathroom. She sat on the lid of the toilet seat, waiting for Max. After what felt like an eternity, he appeared in the door.

"How shall we do this?" He asked, gently, trying not to push her.

"I don't know. You tell me. You seem to know everything about me" Zoe snapped back, without meaning to. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You've been so good to me and I'm…I'm…I'm…" Her words were lost as she buried her face in her hands, and Max made his way over to her, shushing her and gently taking her fingers in his. He knew it wasn't the time to say anything, but he sat with her on the toilet seat, gently rocking her as she crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, her face buried in his chest. Once the sobs subsided, he told her:

"Right, we're gonna do this. Me and you, we're going to get through it." A gentle nod of her head told him that she was at least willing to try and trust him.

He began by unzipping the front of his jumper that she wore, and gently taking off each of the arms. She gasped slightly as her flesh was revealed, as though she'd almost forgotten she had a body.

Thinking that it might be a good idea to run the water before undressing Zoe, Max did so. He checked to make sure it wasn't too hot, nor too cold and put plenty of bubble bath in.

Eventually, he'd managed to undress her. It had taken time and encouragement, but eventually they were ready. She sat down in the bath, gingerly, grateful of the bubbles obscuring her view. She laid back and tried to relax, thinking of the days in which she'd had a bath after a long shift of being a very capable doctor. Usually with a glass of red wine.

"Can you…" She tried to ask Max to get in with her, it didn't feel right, her land over the side, grasping his.

"Are you sure?" He questioned, and she nodded her head. He began to get undressed, slowly, too. She hadn't really seen him naked since the 'thing', and he didn't want to scare her. When he was ready, she slid forwards and he shuffled in behind her, her back against his chest, his arms around her waist, his legs next to hers and his mouth kissing her neck.

Nothing was said – nothing needed to be said. Max remembered back to the time they'd last had a bath together, when he'd cleaned her. How much that had hurt both of them, and how far they'd come, even if it didn't feel like that all the time.

"I've been thinking" She began. "About what happened. About how it can't wreck my life. I can't let it become who I am. I am a doctor. Doctor Zoe Hanna." She said the words as if for the first time, and a smile both graced of their lips as they were reminded of her strength and capabilities.

"What that man did to me… It wasn't right. I feel so dirty, so lost, so… so… violated. As though I've somehow been stripped of everything. As though nothing matters and everything is terrifying. More terrifying than you can possibly imagine." She picked up a hand and began playing with his fingers. "You. You. You're great. You're lovely, sweet, charming, handsome… basically perfect. And what am I? Some kind of walking baggage… with more baggage piled on top. We can't have sex anymore, I can't bear to look at myself, and I can't go anywhere without you. I'm stuck inside a massive brick wall of emotions I can't recognise, fears I don't know. I can't sleep because I am terrified there's someone crawling on top of me." She looked down at the dirtying water, kind of glad that Max had 'forced' her into the bath and allowed the dirt to float off.

Max's heart ached with every word, but he didn't stop her, glad that she was talking to him.

"Zo, you're perfect. I know you can't believe that right now. But you are. I've never stuck with any woman for longer than two nights. Does that give you some idea of how much I must love you? I don't care about the sex, I mean, you're gorgeous and of course I want to, but I'll wait. I'll wait for as long as it takes, and if that's years, then so be it." He said, with affirmation, placing a kiss on her head. "You're not baggage. You're not defined by the crap that's happened. You're defined by the amazing woman that you are and I love you for that. And I'm here. When you're ready to work through the emotions. When you're ready, I'm right here, waiting." The water splashed around them as she listened to his gentle words that made her heart flutter.

She smiled up and him and placed a kiss on his chest, her fingers gently tracing his chest. She swallowed, as she prepared for her next statement. "Max… I think I might be pregnant. I haven't had my period since…". He closed his eyes briefly, as though he'd been fearing this moment for a while.

"OK. OK." He kissed her fingers. "It will all be fine, we'll do a test and we'll see. Whatever, I'm here for you" He promised her.

**I've been so overwhelmed by all your comments. Thank you soo much! I'm sorry that I'm so rubbish at updating... It's mostly because I'm not very good at thinking of ideas, so let me know if you want this to go in a certain direction!**

**Amy :) x**


	10. Chapter 10

On arriving back in England, despite the warm summer rays of the sun, the world seemed grey; as though nothing had changed, but everything had changed. The people seemed in a hurry. They seemed to rush past Zoe without glancing at her. Each person, their own little impenetrable bubble oblivious to everyone else.

It was Zoe's first day back at work. She could have had longer, and despite Max's protestations that she should stay at home, she was desperate to regain some sense of normality. As she slipped into her green and black dress for the first time in a while, she felt as though she were putting on her Doctor skin – as though her covering would give her some sort of strength that could get her through the day.

As she stepped into the ED, Max closely behind, she realised that she had missed her work. She had missed the people she knew and loved, missed the security of having control, and being the 'well' one. Hey, she'd even missed her arguments with Connie. Well, just a bit. She smiled a smile. She hadn't done that for a while without thinking about it first. It made her feel better to smile, like a person. It wasn't the ED's fault, what had happened to that man's son. It was a tragedy, but a tragedy they'd seen a hundred times before and would see a hundred times again… it didn't make it easier, but there was no choice but to think about it like that. Otherwise, it became her fault, and it wasn't.

"Let's go"

Tess and Charlie were treating her delicately. She wasn't sure if they'd known exactly what had happened, but clearly something had been said. She was to stay on non-urgent cases, cubicles for a while. Zoe quite liked cubicles for now. Her first case back was a little girl who had cut her hand and needed suturing. Her mum had gone to get a coffee and as she hadn't returned, Zoe was forced to distract her by talking to her while she worked on her delicate hand. She was a very sweet girl – Lana, who hugged a toy giraffe close to her chest, refusing to let it go. "What's the giraffe's name?" asked Zoe. "He doesn't have a name. He was a present from my granny" the girl informed her, removing her thumb from her mouth temporarily.

"Aww, that's nice, was it. Sorry, he, a birthday present?"

"Yep, I was 5 on sat-ur-day." She enunciated the word carefully and Zoe smiled in response.

"Were you really? Did you have a party?"

"Na-uh, granny took me to the zoo" she stated, as if this should have been blindingly obvious to Zoe.

"Annd, which was your favourite animal? Was it the giraffe?"

"Yep, but I liked da monkeys too. They had red bottoms. Oh, and the hippos. They were smelly. We could just see their heads. They were swimming in pooey water. I think the zoo man was just coming to clean it. That's what granny said".

Zoe chuckled at Lana's anecdote, she remembered Sharice, how she'd loved to visit the zoo. What fun they'd had there. She wondered what Sharice was up to now. She'd be, 12? 13? It was strange, how in some things time moved on in the flash of an eye, and in others, it seemed stuck, unmovable and solid.

"There we are. All done". Zoe told Lana as she looked down at her hand. "I'll go and find somebody to come and talk to you until mummy gets back, yeah?" She smiled down at the beaming face and went to ask a disgruntled Robyn to keep an eye on her.

The morning was largely uneventful and past by quickly and before Zoe knew it, she was in the staff room with Max for lunch. It was a lovely sunny day and she presumed that everyone else was outside enjoying the heat.

"Sooo, how's your day been?" Max enquired after neither had said anything for a while.

"Good, really good" Zoe smiled at him, and he wasn't quite sure whether she was telling the truth. "No, honestly, it's been great to be back. Met a really cute kid this morning, she had a giraffe that she wouldn't let go of". Max smiled at her, glad that her morning had been cheered up by a child. "Yeah? I'm presuming you mean a toy one? Bit weird, otherwise" he joked, "No… a real one. Yeah, she had it on a lead around its foot. Did you not see it? It was quite the talk of the department? 'Bout 10.30ish? Borrowed it from the zoo". Zoe tried to keep the story alive but her smile gave her away, and both of them chuckled, the joke made funnier by the fact that the 'banter' that had underpinned their relationship was rearing its head again, that they could share some joy once more.

"How's your day been?" she asked him. Max smiled. "Well, that would be telling". She smiled at him "What, too difficult to answer?" She mirrored one of the first conversations they'd had, all that time ago. "Ha ha ha. Fuuuunnnyy" Max faked annoyance. "No, just, you know, life of a porter's never dull and all that" He tried to make his morning sound as though it had consisted of pushing beds upstairs to cardio., upstairs again to maternity, downstairs to the morgue… that hadn't been so great, but nothing out of the ordinary, really. He sensed her smile as he was desperately trying to think of something interesting about his day. "What?" "Nothing. Just… thank you" "For what?" He was a bit bemused by her gratitude. "Just for being you… for making my life more interesting" she winked at him.

They both sat in silence, both knowing what the other was thinking but not wanting to be the first to speak about it. The staffroom in the hospital probably wasn't the place, anyway. "Shall we do the test later?" Zoe's quiet whisper cut the cheerful atmosphere like knife. Somehow, the very action of voicing the words running through their minds had made the situation so real, so desperate. "I mean, don't worry, I might not be pregnant, but I'm late and I'm never late, and even if I am, it might not be his. It could be yours, I think… yeah, it's typical, isn't it, I tried for ages to have baby before and I couldn't, and now, maybe I can, just at the wrong moment, with someone… someone… like that". She smiled a smile at him, trying to convince him that she was OK.

He smiled back, amused at her rambling but hurt at the pain and worry that was evident. "Zoe. Look at me". She refused to meet his gaze, afraid of what he might say, and convinced that someone would barge through the door at any moment and interrupt their very private moment. "Baby, look at me." He told her again as he crouched down before her and took her shaking hands in his, holding her fingers tightly. "OK, so there are two things that could happen here. Number one. You're not pregnant. That's fine, we can deal with that." He smiled at her as she squeezed his hands gently in response. "Number two. You are pregnant." She flinched at this option. "With my baby, OK, not his, mine. I love you, and I love phantom foetus" He told her, eliciting a small attempt at a smile. "I promise, hand on heart and all that, that if you are pregnant, he or she will be nothing other than ours, OK. Yours and mine".

She smiled at him, a full, beaming smile. "I love you so much" she told him, her face wet with tears as she leaned down to kiss him. "But let's just see first, before you get too excited, eh?!"

**Hope that was OK! Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews :D x**


	11. Chapter 11

**Just a kind of interlude from Zoe's POV... sorry it's a bit short. Enjoy! x**

Sometimes, life is so sweet, isn't it? It's blissful to fall asleep with my head on Max's chest, his arms tight around me and wake up still snuggled up to him. That's when it's easy… when it's easy to forget, and just be us, me and him, two people crazy in love.

But it's not always that easy. What I've been through in the last few weeks… It might not sound like much, but I don't think you'll ever understand if you've never been there. And I wouldn't want anyone else to go there. It's tough, so tough. And I've had my beautiful Max, who has been more than I could ever ask of him. I kiss his chest as he sleeps in silent recognition of his love and consideration for me.

Sometimes I think this whole thing has been more tough on him than on me. I know he feels bad for not being there to protect me, to stop it happening. Daft thing. I wish that he could understand that it wasn't his fault. Not even slightly. He's tried so hard to keep me going, I smile to myself in the darkness. That holiday in Venice, the first holiday I've been on and not got drunk? What's the boy done to me? I wonder. Made me happy, that's what. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a person and not just a doctor. He was right, as usual. I wouldn't admit it, but sometimes, just sometimes, having a life might be more important than running myself ragged to save them.

At this time of the night (I don't want to know the time), I look over to Max, his face turned towards me, all screwed up, his arm lightly flung over me. I shuffle a bit closer to his chest and press my face in, his body moving to accommodate me, his arm tightening around me. I can hear his heart beating, and gently trace it with my fingers. Although I hate not being able to sleep, I love these quiet moments just to think about things that aren't medicine.

He's been so good to me. He told me he'd wait for me for as long as it took. The problem is, how long can I wait? The thought of sleeping with someone again thrills and terrifies me in equal measure. I know that Max would never push me; he's always so gentle, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. He pretends it doesn't matter and I know that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. I trust him enough to know he's not going to leave me… or go elsewhere and for that I am so grateful. I don't need sex, I really don't. Once upon a time, Zoe Hanna couldn't imagine thinking that. The truth is, it's the intimacy I miss. Sometimes a hug just isn't enough.

I smile at him again and gently kiss his neck. And then I remember. What about the baby growing inside of me? I'd forgotten. How could I forget about my child? After we'd done the test yesterday, we sat in silence on the sofa. Max had bundled me into his jumper. I realise I'm still wearing it now. I must have fallen asleep in it. We'd sat on the sofa, just thinking. My head was resting against Max's shoulder and I could feel him kissing the top of my head occasionally. His arms were wrapped around me, his hands found their way to the bare skin of my belly and had gently started stroking the skin there.

How did I get lucky enough to find someone not only willing to accept the situation, but to embrace it? He'd whispered to me about how it was all going to be OK, and how we'd be a proper family (What's one of those?!) If I'm being honest, he's sort of convinced me that it will be fine. But what if every time I look at my son or daughter I'm reminded of that man, of what happened?

I trust Max, really, I do, but there are some things that even he can't change.

"What are you doing awake?" He asks me through shut eyes and with a groggy voice. "Thinking", I tell him.

He picks my hand up and strokes it, kissing my forehead. I know he knows what I'm thinking about and suddenly I have no words, nothing to say. "Zo, you know we had sex the night before…? He could be mine" Max tries to reassure me. In all the drama, I'd totally forgotten that was a possibility.

"Max…" I ignore this and instead tell him that I want to be with him. At first he is confused, assuring me that we are together. And then he gets that I mean 'together'.

He slides his hands inside his jumper that I'm wearing. My cold back shivers against the heat of his hands. He hasn't replied, but instead kisses my nose, searching my eyes, as though there was some secret waiting to be revealed.

"Are you sure? Like, really sure? I don't want to push you, and I don't want you to feel like you need to…" He trails off, and I speak "Max, I need to do this. We need to do this. So that I can forget. That I know that sex is something lovely", I squeeze his hand "that shows love, not anger, aggression". He nods at me as though this makes sense, and I hope it does. "One condition". He tells me. "What?" "That you promise, and I mean promise, to stop me if it gets too much". I nod and kiss his lips, hoping that it tells him everything I can't express. He reciprocates, but then looks at me to check I'm OK.

Our love making is slow. Slower than it's ever been before, we take our time to love and to enjoy. To make happy, comforting memories. And as I lie in Max's arms afterwards, his fingers drifting around my belly button, I think about how far I've come, and how this night is a line. A line that means we're past the worst. I'm never going to be without it, but together, we can move forward. We have to move forward for the sake of the little one, I think as my fingers join Max's on my stomach. He kisses the side of my head, a reminder that he's always been there and he always will be there.


End file.
